Sidney J. Furie’s “Road Rage” (TV 2000)

Posted on 04.02.11

It's been awhile since I have watched a gawd-awful movie. Evidence of this is my lack of reviews as of late.
Well I killed that by watching a seriously lacking made for TV flick from Sidney J. Furie called Road Rage.

Road Rage begins rather ridiculously and sadly does not improve with time. Starting out we find really old college student Sonia (Danielle Brett, who's biggest role was probably starring with Dolph Lundgren in Jill The Ripper) kicking her abusive beau Bo to the curb since she found out he cheated on her. Bo doesn't like being tossed aside like the cheap trash that he is and tries to bully Sonia into changing her mind.

It's about this time that mildly egotistical Jim, (Casper Van Dien who apparently loves starring in cheesy modern-day made for TV B-movies and also plays an over-aged college student) steps in to rescue the damsel in distress (Sonia, not Bo) and offers Sonia a ride home in his "grandma's car."

Once on the road the two get caught up in flirtatious conversation, and Sonia soon informs Jim that he is passing her exit. He decides to whip his grandma car across highway lanes in an attempt to catch the exit, and cuts off a rather large pickup truck with illegally tinted windows in the process.

Truck-guy doesn't take too kindly to being cut off, and decides to show his irritation in a more mood killing way than just laying on the horn or flipping Jim off. Instead he opts to exact some serious road rage, chasing our two wannabe lovebirds in a multiple crash inducing highway chase that miraculously kills no one, and goes completely unreported and unnoticed by the cops. So when our two narrowly escape death and find themselves left to their own devises, they decide its in their best interest to go back to flirting and acting as nothing has just happened.

Huh? You think now is a good time to just hang out, laughing about the days events and planning your next romantic date? Sitting parked in the same car the bad guy knows you drive, in a desolate - deserted even - area, so if psycho-boy decides to come back and finish what he started, he could come drag you out of your car, rip off your head and skullfuck you in broad moonlight, and no one would see or even do anything to help.... Really?

Dumbasses.

Why? Because its about this time that insane truck guy rolls back around, but instead of violating the two would-be lovebirds in a gruesomely brutal manner that would have been cool as shit and long overdue for a movie such as this, rolls down the passenger window so we can see that he has a buddy riding shotgun.... a buddy none other than a very irate recently dumped beau - Sonia's Bo.

How convenient.

Ok so you would think things might really get good at this point (provided everything else didn't totally suck already) but you'd be wrong. A movie that seems like it couldn't get any worse.... does.

Now I'm not one to usually comments on acting ability or even subject matter believability because lets face it... the movies I tend to watch and review offer everything EXCEPT good acting and believability (although more often than not there is usually a good bit of bloodshed and naked boobage to make up for it.)

Sadly Road Rage offers neither. Yeh yeh, so no surprise from the drivel I usually watch, but what made me really regret watching this movie was Danielle Brett; or perhaps I should say the role they cast her in. Aside from her seriously overacting the part, she plays an abused chick who actually sacks up and dumps her cheating beau Bo, but when the new guy steps in and immediately exhibits similar traits - such as wanting to play (and even prolong) the stupid raindeer games psycho truck driver initiates - she finds it appealing. O-M-G!! Why do the dumb chicks in these movies always have to go gaga for losers? And she never even flashes boob to make up for it.... goes to explain why she's done virtually nothing since 2001.

So do I recommend watching Road Rage? Hell NO! This movie sucks so bad you can't even find a video clip of the trailer on YouTube - EVERYTHING can be found on YT!

Oh well, decide for yourself, but right now I gotta go watch Lake Dead... which I am sure is a cult classic yet to be discovered!

Stephen King’s 1986 Maximum Overdrive

Posted on 03.07.10

Why is it all the movies I love are gawd awful movies of Hollywood? For example, I love Tremors. Talk about a DUMBass movie - Tremors tops the charts. Bad acting, totally unbelievable story line, no boob shots or blood (although the graphics used to create the grab-oids was pretty cool.) And I gotta tell ya', I have watched that damned movie more than 20 times and have loved each and every viewing.

But Tremors is not what I want to talk about today. No, today is reserved for another one of my ridiculous B pleasures..... Maximum Overdrive. Oh yehhhhhhhhhh!

For whatever reason Stephen King's books have never been able to capture the same mood on screen as they do on paper. While his books leave you frighteningly chilled and speculating the "what ifs," the more recent movie versions always come across rather comical, silly, and most decidedly B. Rarely do you see his movie adaptations deliver the same effect as his earlier works such as Carrie or The Shinning. It's too bad really as his books can be amazingly disturbing.

Though not billed as a comedic horror film, Maximum Overdrive certainly has the feel of one. The basic premise of the film is that the earth passes through the tail of a comet at which point most all mechanical things seem to spring to life. Electric carving knives, blenders, remote control cars, trucks, semis - you get the picture. And for what ever reason, these mechanical things all seem to be rather angry and begin attacking humans indiscriminately.

I think one of my favorite scenes is where a mailman is delivering mail (on foot no less. You don't see that anymore) when out of no where a remote control truck begins to follow him. In a matter of minutes the toy knocks the mailman to the ground and proceeds to bash his brains in by repeatedly running into his head.

Now I can understand why some of you might find this frightening but keep in mind that this remote control truck is no taller than 10 inches so there is no reason why this mailman could not have just stomped on the blasted thing when it first ran into his ankle. Instead however he becomes a giant sally to the point the that truck is literally taking him down at the ankles (the term ankle-biter comes to mind.) And if that wasn't enough, instead of grabbing the truck with one or (here's a thought) BOTH hands, he instead cowers in a feeble attempt to use his arms as a shield against the attacking toy.

Ok, so I realize these numb-nuts are necessary in order to create a movie such as this; after all, had the mailman done what I suggested the movie would have taken a dramatically different turn and not been anywhere near as entertaining. So I suspend disbelief and find the humor in its delivery....

....which makes this next scene hysterical! It's when a soda machine decides to get even with some kid who was a little less than gentle in trying to enjoy a beverage.... and who wouldn't want a steam roller for backup?? Classic stuff!

So in a nutshell, Maximum Overdrive is the story of Billy (played by Emilio Estevez) who appears to be the "brains" behind a small group of humans that are trapped at the Dixie Boy Truck Stop where the possessed vehicles decide to "stock up" as it is right off the interstate. Billy quickly surmises that the trucks will allow them to live in exchange for pumping the life sustaining gas the trucks so desperately need. The only problem is that the gas will only last for so long, and the comet was to pass over their little world for a total of eight days. To survive those eight days while trucks and rigs have thought processes, can read the minds of humans, and exhibit homicidal tendencies proves to be an uneasy task for sure.... and if the gas does run out, what will become of them all?

What was curious about Maximum Overdrive was that cars, boats, and motorcycles never came to life, yet carving knives, blenders, and toy autos did. I can't help but think this is some type of prejudice on the part of the writer/director, Stephen King. What does he have against boats and motorcycles? Do muscle cars intimidate him? I find it hard to imagine Stephen King would overlook such an important detail; he loves detail!

Ah well, I guess it's a good thing I don't obsess about these things. If I begin to, I'll just pop in the soundtrack for this baby cuz every last song on it is performed by AC/DC, and that alone makes this movie worthwhile. Of course, so does the campy humor, blood (dare I say "gore"?) effects, and classic B dialogue. Yes, Maximum Overdrive is definitely a keeper for any true B movie lover.

Troma’s 1997 Bugged!

Posted on 02.26.10

It's one thing to know stuff about yourself without really acknowledging what that stuff is. Like being told a particular pair of jeans makes your ass look fat but not believing the reality of it until it slaps you in the face because your ex best bud posted a picture of it all over Facebook. And as you feel your reality shift, blue skies suddenly turn black and the only thing that alleviates the pain of a big ass in tight jeans is by drinking a couple bottles glasses of wine.... which is really a sadistic irony since that very wine is what made your ass big to begin with.

Not that I know anything about big asses and tight jeans.....

No; the reality I am talking about is not realizing my ass could be potentially fat, but rather it's the reality that I like some really gawd awful movies. Now I knew this; felt it on a "I read it in a book once" level. But after last night the reality of exactly how awful smacked me in the face like a piece of Limberger cheese (and if you think THAT won't get your attention, try it. Just once. It's a smell you will NEVER forget.)

See, last night I watched Troma Entertainment's 1997 release "Bugged!" and I really liked it. If that is not testimony that I need psychiatric help, then I don't know what is.

Earning a whooping 3.2 stars from the IMDB voters, *Bugged! is the story of Devine, a devine poet who develops a slight bug problem. Actually they seem more like little grasshoppers but they are bugs no less and  overtaking her house. Whipping out the yellow pages, Devine passes over the well known "TERMINEX" ad and goes straight to the never heard of 'em "Dead And Buried Exterminators" listing. Yeh. The first sign of good times ahead.

But what our lovely little Devine doesn't know is that due to an incredibly idiotic chain of events and some rather nasty toxic waste, the strapping young "Dead and Buried" exterminators unknowingly dose the little bugs with body altering toxic waste instead of bug killing chemicals resulting in some frickin' huge ass flesh eating bugs instead of dead and buried ones!

From word one, the acting was horrible and did not improve with time. Scenes were predictable, and dialogue was beyond lame, but true to Troma form, it worked. Promoting campiness and cheese, Bugged used old school gore effects, meaning blood - if any- was obviously sugar thickened koolaid; guts did not ooze, and flesh did not bubble or puss or fall off the bone even when up close and personal with a stick of dynamite. Nope; the only scene that vaguely resembled anything like that was when one of the guys who was supposed to get rid of the toxic waste came into direct contact with it and ended up looking more like an extra from a Ron Jeremy movie, and if that's not a pretty disgusting descriptive visual then  check this picture out and judge for yourself:

Bugged! is not a movie for all horror (dare I call it horror?) fans but definitely fits the bill for fans of The Toxic Avenger series. I'd even wager a bet that fans of Sleepaway Camp would find this one rather entertaining. After all, they are all filled with camp and cheese - the kind that makes B movies so great. And that my fiends, translates into some pretty funny shit.

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*Promoting an all black cast, Bugged! is comedic horror at its best and prime pickings for Black Horror Movie History Month!

Stephen Cragg’s 2009 Circle of Eight

Posted on 02.07.10

Boy can I pick ' em. But in my defense, when I saw Stephen Cragg had directed one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and about 4 episodes of Reaper, I figured there was promise.... right? I mean both are great shows (that is before Buffy jumped the shark after season 6; no 4; no 6....) And Reaper... well, geez, what happened to that great show?? Why do they always cancel the ones I like? Tru Calling, Dollhouse.... Dead Like Me...

Boy, I sure can pick 'em.

This time, my pick was Circle of Eight. The DVD sleeve was so promising with its depiction of an ominous high rise apartment building with some pretty odd characters as tenants that mysteriously begin dying once Jessica moves in.....

Sounds like it could have potential, right?

Wrong.

In the movie world, Jessica may be the stupidest bimbo on 2 legs (except for maybe Penny in Penny Dreadful.) After feeling guilty for not saving her little brother from drowning, Jessica moves into the "Dante" apartment building where everything and anything happens.... all on day one. You'd think she'd realize her best course of action would be to leave as quickly as she arrived, but no; she stays. Just like all stupid bimbettes in these types of movies. Guess we would not have a movie otherwise...

For starters, Jessica (small potato actress Austin Highsmith) meets her oddball neighbors (also small potato actors you won't recognize except for maybe DJ Qualls) who for whatever reason, feel right at home with Jessica. So much so that they walk right into her apartment, uninvited and without knocking. Almost as if they know her, and know her well. Hint Hint.

And you would think Jess would ask questions whenever her brand new neighbors (whom she has known for all of an hour) seem to know personal details about her she had not shared since arriving. Nor had she been freaked out enough to leave the building once she found one of her new neighbors hanging bloodied and dead from the ceilings rafters. No, our little naive waif thinks its smarter to hole herself up in new dark and dreary apartment. Makes perfect sense to me.

Such promise this movie had. Such apparent high hopes I had for it.  But Circle of Eight left more loose ends than the number of advertisers who have dropped Tiger Woods. And none of it makes any sense until the last 5 minutes when all the pieces come together but leave you with at least 2 new questions, and a really big "WTF?" expression on your face....

So if you happen to be at your local video rental store and Circle of Eight catches your eye, don't be fooled like I was. It's definitely a waste of time.

Phil Claydon’s 2009 Lesbian Vampire Killers

Posted on 02.06.10

Ah yes, English movies (English as in the UK, not as in the USofA.) Why is it British comedic type horror movies always leave me laughing? Dead Alive, Shaun of the Dead, Boy Eats Girl.... all dark horror comedies that I love, and all greatly entertaining.

So it's pretty much safe to say that once I added the video clip of the British gem "Lesbian Vampire Killers" to my sidebar I had no choice left but to rent it. Epitomizing everything B and then some, it called to me from the nether regions of cheese. I should probably tell you right out of the gate though that the promise of gratuitous boob shots offered by the trailer was nothing more than a tease, as they neglected to insert any into the actual film. But don't think that means you won't have a good time... I am here to assure you that you will.

I mean seriously - when a lesbian vampire is staked with a tree limb and her last dying breath is an exhale in the form of a fart... well, it's got to be a good time, right?

Cause & Effect

Centuries ago, Lesbian-Witch-Vampire-Queen-Carmilla convinces Baron Wolfgang MacLaren's wife to switch sides. Propelled by jealousy (and most likely "Little Mans Syndrome") Baron MacLaren seeks revenge by serving Carmilla her head on a platter, but not before she curses both the local town of Cragwich, vowing that every female living there will turn into a flesh eating lesbian vampire on her 18th birthday, and the Baron's blood line, promising that once the last of his blood is born and sleeps with a virgin, Carmilla will return and basically all hell will break loose and ruin the world as we know it.

The Evil Bitch.

Needless to say that at some point in time, the townsmen decided to switch sides as well. Apparently turning gay is a better life lived than a life cut too short by being eaten alive by a hot lesbian vampire who just turned 18.

Result

Two somewhat oafish fellows, naive Jimmy and immature Fletch, are having a rather bad day. Jimmy's wife just dumped him for some married guy, while Fletch got fired from his job as a clown because he felt the need to hit an annoying little imp at one of his gigs (my kind of guy.)

They decide to go on a countryside camping trip and drunkenly choose Cragwich as their destination.  After a particularly planned chain of events set into motion by a knowing innkeeper, our two boys find themselves holed up in a lodge with four somewhat eager and willing females with silicone implants and rather short skirts. The girls announce they are hoping to locate the Vampire Queen Carmilla, while the boys silently hope they will just get laid.

So while Fletch parties is up with Heide, Anke and Trudi, Jimmy hits it off with Lotte. Sparks are flying, beer is pouring, and shirts are coming unbuttoned.... but then the damned lesbian vampires have to go and ruin their good time by surrounding the cottage and converting all the girls except for Lotte. It's at this time we learn Jimmy is the last of the Baron MacLaren's bloodline, and it is the lesbian vampires intention of having him fulfill the curse/prophecy of resurrecting Carmilla.

They can die fast, or they can die slow. But die they must.

Conclusion

Fletch manages to escape and hook up with the local Reverend Vicar who informs Fletch that Jimmy is their only hope of putting an end to the vicious curse crippling Cragwich. The way he is going to do that is with Di-El-Do, the only weapon capable of destroying Carmilla. (The fact that Di-El-Do resembled a dildo was purely coincidental I am sure, but fit into the film rather well. Kudos to the writers! Hmmm.... I wonder what the Reverend Vicar was doing with it all this time??)

Now.... if only Fletch can actually deliver Di-El-Do to our unsung hero Jimmy, who in turn could actually wield its death blow to the evil-vampire-lesbo-witch-bitch-Carmilla then maybe, just maybe, our two boys will finally get laid and the menfolk of Cragwich will finally have the long lost option of being heterosexual if they so choose. Good times, I tell ya! Good times.

Lesbian Vampire Killers is in a nutshell, delicious. The gore and blood effects were awesome even though they were a bit clumsy. I have to ask though, why do all the vampires in this flick bleed milk? Blood would definitely have been more effective but surprisingly the milk factor did not detract much from the movie. There was plenty of blood-filled gore to make up for it (not to mention a few hallucinogenic orgy scenes involving half naked lesbian vampires.)

Surprisingly the milk element actually added to the originality of the movie. It was certainly interesting -albeit somewhat weird- and definitely cheesy, but decidedly original. Probably one of the main reasons I did enjoy this flick as much as I did.

If you have not yet seen this one, I strongly suggest doing so. You won't be sorry.